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ALICE: You're Humpty Dumpty! Just like an egg. [Page 24
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Alice in Wonderland
A dramatization of Lewis Carroll's
"Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and
"Through the Looking Glass"
By Alice Gerstenberg
Author of "The Conscience of Sarah Platt",
"Unquenched Fire," "A Little World," etc.
Chicago
A.C.Mc.Clurg & Co.
1915
Copyright
A. C. McCLURG & CO.
1915
Published December, 1915
Rights to produce this play in all countries of the world are reserved by Alice Gerstenberg
W. F. MAEL PRINTING COMPANY, CHICAGO
TO THE MEMORY OF LEWIS CARROLL
This dramatic rendering of Alice in Wonderland, by Alice Gerstenberg of Chicago, was produced by The Players Producing Company of Chicago (Aline Barnsdall and Arthur Bissell), at the Fine Arts Theater, Chicago, February 11, 1915. After a successful run it opened at the Booth Theater, New York, March 23, 1915.
The scenery and the costumes were designed by William Penhallow Henderson of Chicago.
The music was written by Eric De Lamarter of Chicago.
The advertising posters and cards were designed by Jerome Blum of Chicago.
The illustrations of the characters of the play in this book were drawn by J. Allen St. John from photographs by Victor Georg of Chicago.
W. H. Gilmore staged the play with the following cast:
LEWIS CARROLL Frank Stirling
ALICE Vivian Tobin
RED QUEEN Florence LeClercq
WHITE QUEEN Mary Servoss
WHITE RABBIT Donald Gallaher
HUMPTY DUMPTY Alfred Donohoe
GRYPHON Fred W. Permain
MOCK TURTLE Geoffrey Stein
MAD HATTER Geoffrey Stein
MARCH HARE Fred W. Permain
DORMOUSE J. Gunnis Davis
FROG FOOTMAN Walter Kingsford
DUCHESS Kenyon Bishop
CHESHIRE CAT Alfred Donohoe
KING OF HEARTS Frederick Annerly
QUEEN OF HEARTS Winifred Hanley
KNAVE OF HEARTS Foxhall Daingerfield
CATERPILLAR Walter Kingsford
TWO OF SPADES Rule Pyott
FIVE OF SPADES France Bendtsen
SEVEN OF SPADES John A. Rice
Alice in Wonderland
THE SCENES
ACT I
Scene I--Alice's Home.
Scene II--The Room in the Looking Glass.
Scene III--The Hall with Doors.
Scene IV--The Sea Shore.
ACT II
Scene----The March Hare's Garden.
ACT III
Scene I--The Garden of Flowers.
Scene II--The Court of Hearts.
Scene III--Alice's Home.
Miss Gerstenberg's manuscript called for costumes after the illustrations of John Tenniel, and scenery of the simple imaginative type, the "new art" in the theater.
ALICE IN WONDERLAND
Alice in Wonderland
ACT I
SCENE ONE
ALICE'S home. LEWIS CARROLL is discovered, playing chess. Golden-haired ALICE, in a little blue dress, a black kitten in her arms, stands watching him.
ALICE
That's a funny game, uncle. What did you do then?
CARROLL
A red pawn took a white pawn; this way. You see, Alice, the chessboard is divided into sixty-four squares, red and white, and the white army tries to win and the red army tries to win. It's like a battle!
ALICE
With soldiers?
CARROLL
Yes, here are the Kings and Queens they are fighting for. That's the Red Queen and here's the White Queen.
ALICE
How funny they look!
CARROLL
See the crowns on their heads, and look at their big feet.
ALICE
It's a foot apiece, that's what it is! Do they hump along like this?
CARROLL
Here! You're spoiling the game. I must keep them all in their right squares.
ALICE
I want to be a queen!
CARROLL
Here you are [he points to a small white pawn] here you are in your little stiff skirt!
ALICE
How do you do, Alice!
CARROLL
And now you are going to move here.
ALICE
Let me move myself.
CARROLL
When you have traveled all along the board this way and haven't been taken by the enemy you may be a queen.
ALICE
Why do people always play with kings and queens? Mother has them in her playing cards too. Look!
[ALICE goes to the mantel and takes a pack of playing cards from the ledge.]
Here's the King of Hearts and here's his wife; she's the Queen of Hearts--isn't she cross-looking? wants to bite one's head off.
[CARROLL moves a pawn.]
You're playing against yourself, aren't you?
CARROLL
That's one way of keeping in practice, Alice; I have friends in the university who want to beat me.
ALICE
But if you play against yourself I should think you'd want to cheat!
CARROLL
Does a nice little girl like you cheat when she plays against herself?
ALICE
Oh! I never do! I'd scold myself hard. I always pretend I'm two people too. It's lots of fun, isn't it? Sometimes when I'm all alone I walk up to the looking glass and talk to the other Alice. She's so silly, that Alice; she can't do anything by herself. She just mocks me all the time. When I laugh, she laughs, when I point my finger at her, she points her finger at me, and when I stick my tongue out at her she sticks her tongue out at me! Kitty has a twin too, haven't you darling?
[ALICE goes to the mirror to show Kitty her twin.]
CARROLL
I'll have to write a book some day about Alice--Alice in wonderland, "Child of the pure unclouded brow and dreaming eyes of wonder!" or, Alice through the looking glass!
ALICE
Don't you wish sometimes you could go into looking-glass house? See!
[ALICE stands on an armchair and looks into the mirror.]
There's the room you can see through the glass; it's just the same as our living-room here, only the things go the other way. I can see all of it--all but the bit just behind the fireplace. Oh! I do wish I could see that bit! I want so much to know if they've a fire there. You never can tell, you know, unless our fire smokes. Then smoke comes up in that room too--but that may be just to make it look as if they had a fire--just to pretend they had. The books are something like our books, only the words go the wrong way. Won't there ever be any way of our getting through, uncle?
CARROLL
Do you think Kitty would find looking-glass milk digestible?
ALICE
It doesn't sound awful good, does it; but I might leave her at home. She's been into an awful lot of mischief today. She found sister's knitting and chased the ball all over the garden where sister was playing croquet with the neighbors. And I ran and ran after the naughty little thing until I was all out of breath and so tired! I am tired.
[She yawns and makes herself comfortable in the armchair.]
CARROLL
[Replaces the playing cards on the mantel and consults his watch.]
Take a nap. Yes, you have time before tea.
ALICE
[Half asleep.]
We're going to have mock turtle soup for supper! I heard mamma tell the cook not to pepper it too much.
CARROLL
What a funny little rabbit it is, nibbling all the time!
[He leans gently over the back of her chair, and seeing that she is going to sleep puts out the lamp light and leaves the room. A red glow from the fireplace illumines ALICE.]
[Dream music. A bluish light reveals the RED CHESS QUEEN and the WHITE CHESS QUEEN in the mirror.]
RED QUEEN
[Points to ALICE and says in a mysterious voice.]
There she is, let's call her over.
WHITE QUEEN
Do you think she'll come?
RED QUEEN
I'll call softly, Alice!
WHITE QUEEN
Hist, Alice.
RED QUEEN
Alice!
WHITE QUEEN
Hush--if she wakes and catches us--
BOTH QUEENS
Alice, come through into looking-glass house!
[Their hands beckon her.]
ALICE
[Rises, and talks sleepily. The Queens disappear. ALICE climbs from the arm of the chair to the back of another and so on up to the mantel ledge, where she picks her way daintily between the vases.]
I--don't--know--how--I--can--get--through. I've tried--before--but the glass was hard--and I was afraid of cutting--my fingers--
[She feels the glass and is amazed to find it like gauze.]
Why, it's soft like gauze; it's turning into a sort of mist; why, it's easy to get through! Why--why--I'm going through!
[She disappears.]
SCENE TWO
[_Is Scene One, reversed. The portieres are black and red squares like a chessboard. A soft radiance follows the characters mysteriously. As the curtain rises ALICE comes through the looking glass; steps down, looks about in wonderment and goes to see if there is a "fire." The RED QUEEN rises out of the grate and faces her haughtily._]
ALICE
Why, you're the Red Queen!
RED QUEEN
Of course I am! Where do you come from? And where are you going? Look up, speak nicely, and don't twiddle your fingers!
ALICE
I only wanted to see what the looking glass was like. Perhaps I've lost my way.
RED QUEEN
I don't know what you mean by your way; all the ways about here belong to me. Curtsey while you're thinking what to say. It saves time.
ALICE
I'll try it when I go home; the next time I'm a little late for dinner.
RED QUEEN
It's time for you to answer now; open your mouth a little wider when you speak, and always say, "Your Majesty." I suppose you don't want to lose your name?
ALICE
No, indeed.
RED QUEEN
And yet I don't know, only think how convenient it would be if you could manage to go home without it! For instance, if the governess wanted to call you to your lessons, she would call out "come here," and there she would have to leave off, because there wouldn't be any name for her to call, and of course you wouldn't have to go, you know.
ALICE
That would never do, I'm sure; the governess would never think of excusing me from lessons for that. If she couldn't remember my name, she'd call me "Miss," as the servants do.
RED QUEEN
Well, if she said "Miss," and didn't say anything more, of course you'd miss your lessons. I dare say you can't even read this book.
ALICE
It's all in some language I don't know. Why, it's a looking-glass book, of course! And if I hold it up to a glass, the words will all go the right way again.
JABBERWOCKY
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
It seems very pretty, but it's rather hard to understand; somehow it seems to fill my head with ideas--only I don't exactly know what they are.
RED QUEEN
I daresay you don't know your geography either. Look at the map!
[She takes a right angle course to the portieres and points to them with her sceptre.]
ALICE
It's marked out just like a big chessboard. I wouldn't mind being a pawn, though of course I should like to be a Red Queen best.
RED QUEEN
That's easily managed. When you get to the eighth square you'll be a Queen. It's a huge game of chess that's being played--all over the world. Come on, we've got to run. Faster, don't try to talk.
ALICE
I can't.
RED QUEEN
Faster, faster.
ALICE
Are we nearly there?
RED QUEEN
Nearly there! Why, we passed it ten minutes ago. Faster. You may rest a little now.
ALICE
Why, I do believe we're in the same place. Everything's just as it was.
RED QUEEN
Of course it is, what would you have it?
ALICE
Well, in our country you'd generally get to somewhere else--if you ran very fast for a long time as we've been doing.
RED QUEEN
A slow sort of country. Now here you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that.
ALICE
I'd rather not try, please! I'm quite content to stay here--only I am so hot and thirsty.
RED QUEEN
I know what you'd like.
[She takes a little box out of her pocket.]
Have a biscuit?
[ALICE, not liking to refuse, curtseys as she takes the biscuit and chokes.]
RED QUEEN
While you're refreshing yourself, I'll just take the measurements.
[She takes a ribbon out of her pocket and measures the map with it.]
At the end of two yards I shall give you your directions--have another biscuit?
ALICE
No thank you, one's quite enough.
RED QUEEN
Thirst quenched, I hope? At the end of three yards I shall repeat them--for fear of your forgetting them. At the end of four, I shall say good-bye. And at the end of five, I shall go! That Square belongs to Humpty Dumpty and that Square to the Gryphon and Mock Turtle and that Square to the Queen of Hearts. But you make no remark?
ALICE
I--I didn't know I had to make one--just then.
RED QUEEN
You should have said, "It's extremely kind of you to tell me all this," however, we'll suppose it said. Four! Good-bye! Five!
[_RED QUEEN vanishes in a gust of wind behind the portieres. Rabbit music. WHITE RABBIT comes out of the fireplace and walks about the room hurriedly. He wears a checked coat, carries white kid gloves in one hand, a fan in the other and takes out his watch to look at it anxiously._]
WHITE RABBIT
Oh the Duchess! the Duchess! Oh! won't she be savage if I've kept her waiting!
ALICE
I've never seen a rabbit with a waistcoat and a watch! And a waistcoat pocket! If you please, sir--
WHITE RABBIT
Oh!
[_He drops fan and gloves in fright and dashes out by way of the portieres in a gust of wind. ALICE picks up the fan and playfully puts on the gloves. The portieres flap in the breeze and a shawl flies in._]
ALICE
[Catches the shawl and looks about for the owner; then meets the WHITE QUEEN.]
I'm very glad I happened to be in the way.
WHITE QUEEN
[Runs in wildly, both arms stretched out wide as if she were flying, and cries in a helpless frightened way.]
Bread-and-butter, bread-and-butter.
ALICE
Am I addressing the White Queen?
WHITE QUEEN
Well, yes, if you call that a-dressing. It isn't my notion of the thing, at all.
ALICE
If your Majesty will only tell me the right way to begin, I'll do it as well as I can.
WHITE QUEEN
But I don't want it done at all. I've been a-dressing myself for the last two hours.
ALICE
Every single thing's crooked, and you're all over pins; may I put your shawl straight for you?
WHITE QUEEN
I don't know what's the matter with it! It's out of temper. I've pinned it here, and I've pinned it there, but there's no pleasing it.
ALICE
It can't go straight, you know, if you pin it all on one side, and dear me, what a state your hair is in!
WHITE QUEEN
The brush has got entangled in it! And I lost the comb yesterday.
ALICE
[Takes out the brush and arranges the QUEEN'S hair.]
You look better now! But really you should have a lady's maid!
WHITE QUEEN
I'm sure I'll take you with pleasure. Two pence a week and jam every other day.
ALICE
[Who cannot help laughing.]
I don't want you to hire me--and I don't care for jam.
WHITE QUEEN
It's very good jam.
ALICE
Well, I don't want any today, at any rate.
WHITE QUEEN
You couldn't have it if you did want it. The rule is, jam tomorrow and jam yesterday--but never jam today.
ALICE
It must come sometimes to "jam today."
WHITE QUEEN
No, it can't, it's jam every other day; today isn't any other day, you know.
ALICE
I don't understand you, it's dreadfully confusing!
WHITE QUEEN
That's the effect of living backwards, it always makes one a little giddy at first--
ALICE
Living backwards! I never heard of such a thing!
WHITE QUEEN
But there's one great advantage in it--that one's memory works both ways.
ALICE
I'm sure mine only works one way. I can't remember things before they happen.
WHITE QUEEN
It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards.
ALICE
What sort of things do you remember best?
WHITE QUEEN
Oh, things that happened the week after next. For instance now:
[She sticks a large piece of plaster on her finger.]
There's the King's messenger--he's in prison being punished; and the trial doesn't even begin till next Wednesday; and of course the crime comes last of all.
ALICE
Suppose he never commits the crime?
WHITE QUEEN
[Binding the plaster with ribbon.]
That would be all the better, wouldn't it?
ALICE
Of course it would be all the better, but it wouldn't be all the better his being punished.
WHITE QUEEN
You're wrong there, at any rate; were you ever punished?
ALICE
Only for faults.
WHITE QUEEN
And you were all the better for it, I know!
ALICE
Yes, but then I had done the things I was punished for; that makes all the difference.
WHITE QUEEN
But if you hadn't done them that would have been better still; better and better and better!
ALICE
There's a mistake somewhere--
WHITE QUEEN
[Screams like an engine whistle, and shakes her hand.]
Oh, Oh, Oh! My finger's bleeding. Oh, Oh, Oh!
ALICE
What is the matter? Have you pricked your finger?
WHITE QUEEN
I haven't pricked it yet--but I soon shall--Oh, Oh, Oh!
ALICE
When do you expect to do it?
WHITE QUEEN
When I fasten my shawl again; the brooch will come undone directly. Oh, Oh!
[Brooch flies open and she clutches it wildly.]
ALICE
Take care! you're holding it all crooked!
WHITE QUEEN
[Pricks her finger and smiles.]
That accounts for the bleeding, you see; now you understand the way things happen here.
ALICE
But why don't you scream now?
WHITE QUEEN
Why, I've done all the screaming already. What would be the good of having it all over again? Oh! it's time to run if you want to stay in the same place! Come on!
ALICE
No, no! Not so fast! I'm getting dizzy!!
WHITE QUEEN
Faster, faster!
ALICE
Everything's black before my eyes!
[_There is music, and the sound of rushing wind, and in the darkness the WHITE QUEEN cries: "Faster, faster"; ALICE gasps: "I can't--please stop"; and the QUEEN replies: "Then you can't stay in the same place. I'll have to drop you behind. Faster--faster, good-bye."_]
SCENE THREE
_When the curtain rises one sees nothing but odd black lanterns with orange lights, hanging, presumably, from the sky. The scene lights up slowly revealing ALICE seated on two large cushions. She has been "dropped behind" by the WHITE QUEEN and is dazed to find herself in a strange hall with many peculiar doors and knobs too high to reach._
ALICE
Oh! my head! Where am I? Oh dear, Oh dear!
[She staggers up and to her amazement finds herself smaller than the table.]
I've never been smaller than any table before! I've always been able to reach the knobs! What a curious feeling. Oh! I'm shrinking. It's the fan--the gloves!
[She throws them away, feels her head and measures herself against table and doors.]
Oh! saved in time! But I never--never--
WHITE RABBIT
Oh! my fan and gloves! Where are my--
ALICE
Oh! Mr. Rabbit--please help me out--I want to go home--I want to go home--
WHITE RABBIT
Oh! the Duchess! Oh! my fur and whiskers! She'll get me executed, as sure as ferrets are ferrets! Oh! you have them!
ALICE
I'm sorry--you dropped them, you know--
WHITE RABBIT
[Picks up fan and gloves and patters off.]
She'll chop off your head!
ALICE
If you please sir--where am I?--won't you please--tell me how to get out--I want to get out--
WHITE RABBIT
[Looking at his watch.]
Oh! my ears and whiskers, how late it's getting.
[A trap door gives way and RABBIT disappears. ALICE dashes after only in time to have the trap door bang in her face.]
ALICE
[Amazed.]
It's a rabbit-hole--I'm small enough to fit it too! If I shrink any more it might end in my going out altogether like a candle. I wonder what I would be like then! What does the flame of a candle look like after the candle is blown out? I've never seen such a thing!
HUMPTY DUMPTY
[Sits on the wall.]
Don't stand chattering to yourself like that, but tell me your name and your business.
ALICE
My name is Alice, but--
HUMPTY DUMPTY
It's a stupid name enough, what does it mean?
ALICE
Must a name mean something?
HUMPTY DUMPTY
Of course it must; my name means the shape I am--and a good, handsome shape it is, too. With a name like yours, you might be any shape, almost.
ALICE
You're Humpty Dumpty! Just like an egg.
HUMPTY DUMPTY
It's very provoking, to be called an egg--very.
ALICE
I said you looked like an egg, Sir, and some eggs are very pretty, you know.
HUMPTY DUMPTY
Some people have no more sense than a baby.
ALICE
Why do you sit here all alone?
HUMPTY DUMPTY
Why, because there's nobody with me. Did you think I didn't know the answer to that? Ask another.
ALICE
Don't you think you'd be safer down on the ground? That wall's so very narrow.
HUMPTY DUMPTY
What tremendously easy riddles you ask! Of course I don't think so. Take a good look at me! I'm one that has spoken to a king, I am; to show you I'm not proud, you may shake hands with me!
[He leans forward to offer ALICE his hand but she is too small to reach it.]
However, this conversation is going on a little too fast; let's go back to the last remark but one.
ALICE
I'm afraid I can't remember it.
HUMPTY DUMPTY
In that case we start fresh, and it's my turn to choose a subject.
ALICE
You talk about it just as if it were a game.
HUMPTY DUMPTY
So here's a question for you. How old did you say you were?
ALICE
Seven years and six months.
HUMPTY DUMPTY
Wrong! You never said a word about it. Now if you'd asked my advice, I'd have said, "Leave off at seven--but--"
ALICE
I never ask advice about growing.
HUMPTY DUMPTY
Too proud?
ALICE
What a beautiful belt you've got on. At least, a beautiful cravat, I should have said--no, a belt, I mean--I beg your pardon. If only I knew which was neck and which was waist.
HUMPTY DUMPTY
It is a--most--provoking--thing, when a person doesn't know a cravat from a belt.
ALICE
I know it's very ignorant of me.
HUMPTY DUMPTY
It's a cravat, child, and a beautiful one, as you say. There's glory for you.
ALICE
I don't know what you mean by "glory."
HUMPTY DUMPTY
When I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean--neither more nor less.
ALICE
The question is, whether you can make words mean different things.
HUMPTY DUMPTY
The question is, which is to be master--that's all. Impenetrability! That's what I say!
ALICE
Would you tell me, please, what that means?
HUMPTY DUMPTY
I meant by "impenetrability" that we've had enough of that subject, and it would be just as well if you'd mention what you mean to do next, as I suppose you don't mean to stop here all the rest of your life.
ALICE
That's a great deal to make one word mean.
HUMPTY DUMPTY
When I make a word do a lot of work like that I always pay it extra.
ALICE
Oh!
HUMPTY DUMPTY
Ah, you should see 'em come round me of a Saturday night, for to get their wages, you know. That's all--Good-bye.
ALICE
Good-bye till we meet again.
HUMPTY DUMPTY
I shouldn't know you again, if we did meet, you're so exactly like other people.
ALICE
The face is what one goes by, generally.
HUMPTY DUMPTY
That's just what I complain of. Your face is the same as everybody has--the two eyes--so--nose in the middle, mouth under. It's always the same. Now if you had the two eyes on the same side of the nose, for instance--or the mouth at the top--that would be some help.
ALICE
It wouldn't look nice.
HUMPTY DUMPTY
Wait till you've tried! Good-bye.
[He disappears as he came.]
ALICE
Oh! I forgot to ask him how to--
[_She tries to open the doors. They are all locked; she begins to weep. She walks weeping to a high glass table and sits down on its lower ledge. She sits on a big golden key and picks it up in surprise. She tries it on all the doors but it does not fit. She weeps and weeps--and Wonderland grows dark to her in her despair. In the darkness she cries, "Oh! I'm slipping! Oh, Oh! it's a lake; Oh! my tears! I'm floating!" A mysterious light shows a "Drink me" sign around a bottle on the top of the table. ALICE floats up to it panting, and holding on to the edge of the table takes up the bottle._]
ALICE
It isn't marked poison.
[She sips at it.]
This is good! Tastes like cherry tart, custard, pineapple, roast turkey, toffy and hot buttered toast--all together. Oh! Oh! I'm letting out like a telescope.
[A mysterious light shows her lengthening out.]
[Music.]
But the lake is rising too. Oh! Oh! it's deep! I'm drowning. Help, help, I'm drowning, I'm drowning in my tears!
GRYPHON
Hjckrrh. Hjckrrh!
[The GRYPHON, a huge green creature with big glittering wings, appears where HUMPTY DUMPTY had been and reaches glittering claws over to grab and save ALICE.]
SCENE FOUR
Is symbolic of a wet and rocky shore in a weird green light. The MOCK TURTLE is weeping dismally.
GRYPHON
Hjckrrh. Hjckrrh. Hjckrrh.
MOCK TURTLE
[Answers with his weeping.]
GRYPHON
[Drags ALICE in.]
Drop your tears into the sea with his.
ALICE
He sobs as if he had a bone in his throat. He sighs as if his heart would break. What is his sorrow?
MOCK TURTLE
Oh, Gryphon, it's terrible!
GRYPHON
It's all his fancy that. Mock Turtle hasn't got no sorrow. This here young lady, she wants for to know your history, she do.
MOCK TURTLE
I'll tell it her. Sit down both of you, and don't speak a word till I've finished.
ALICE
I don't see how you can ever finish, if you don't begin.
MOCK TURTLE
Once, I was a real Turtle.
[A long silence is broken only by the exclamations, "Hjckrrh," of the GRYPHON and the heavy sobbing of the MOCK TURTLE.]
MOCK TURTLE
When we were little, we went to school in the sea. The master was an old Turtle--we used to call him tortoise--
ALICE
Why did you call him Tortoise, if he wasn't one?
MOCK TURTLE
We called him Tortoise because he taught us; really you are very dull.
GRYPHON
You ought to be ashamed of yourself for asking such a simple question. Drive on, old fellow! Don't be all day about it!
MOCK TURTLE
Yes, we went to school in the sea, tho' you mayn't believe it--
ALICE
I never said I didn't.
MOCK TURTLE
You did.
GRYPHON
Hold your tongue!
MOCK TURTLE
We had the best of educations--in fact, we went to school every day.
ALICE
I've been to a day school too; you needn't be so proud as all that.
MOCK TURTLE
With extras?
ALICE
Yes, we learned French and music.
MOCK TURTLE
And washing?
ALICE
Certainly not!
MOCK TURTLE
Ah! Then yours wasn't a really good school. Now at ours they had at the end of the bill, French, music, and washing--extra.
ALICE
You couldn't have wanted it much; living at the bottom of the sea.
MOCK TURTLE
I couldn't afford to learn it, I only took the regular course.
ALICE
What was that?
MOCK TURTLE
Reeling and writhing, of course, to begin with, and then the different branches of Arithmetic--Ambition, Distraction, Uglification, and Derision.
ALICE
I never heard of Uglification. What is it?
GRYPHON
Never heard of uglifying! You know what to beautify is, I suppose?
ALICE
Yes, it means--to--make--anything--prettier.
GRYPHON
Well then, if you don't know what to uglify is, you are a simpleton.
ALICE
What else had you to learn?
MOCK TURTLE
Well, there was Mystery; Mystery, ancient and modern, with Seaography, then Drawling--the Drawling-master was an old conger eel, that used to come once a week; what he taught us was Drawling, Stretching, and Fainting in Coils.
ALICE
What was that like?
MOCK TURTLE
Well, I can't show it you, myself. I'm too stiff. And the Gryphon never learned it.
GRYPHON
Hadn't time; I went to the Classical master, though. He was an old crab, he was.
MOCK TURTLE
I never went to him; he taught Laughing and Grief, they used to say.
GRYPHON
So he did, so he did.
ALICE
And how many hours a day did you do lessons?
MOCK TURTLE
Ten hours the first day, nine the next, and so on.
ALICE
What a curious plan!
GRYPHON
That's the reason they're called lessons, because they lessen from day to day.
ALICE
Then the eleventh day must have been a holiday?
MOCK TURTLE
Of course it was.
ALICE
And how did you manage on the twelfth?
GRYPHON
That's enough about lessons, tell her something about the games now.
[MOCK TURTLE sighs deeply, draws back of one flapper across his eyes. He looks at ALICE and tries to speak but sobs choke his voice.]
GRYPHON
[Punching him in the back.]
Same as if he had a bone in his throat.
MOCK TURTLE
[With tears running down his cheeks.]
You may not have lived much under the sea--
ALICE
I haven't.
MOCK TURTLE
And perhaps you were never even introduced to a lobster.
ALICE
I once tasted--no, never!
MOCK TURTLE
So you can have no idea what a delightful thing a Lobster Quadrille is.
ALICE
No, indeed. What sort of a dance is it?
GRYPHON
Why, you first form into a line along the seashore.
MOCK TURTLE
Two lines; seals, turtles, salmon, and so on; then, when you've cleared all the jellyfish out of the way--
GRYPHON
That generally takes some time.
MOCK TURTLE
You advance twice--
GRYPHON
Each with a lobster as a partner.
MOCK TURTLE
Of course, advance twice, set to partners.
GRYPHON
Change lobsters, and retire in same order.
MOCK TURTLE
Then you know, you throw the--
GRYPHON
The lobsters!
MOCK TURTLE
As far out to sea as you can--
GRYPHON
Swim after them!
MOCK TURTLE
Turn a somersault in the sea.
GRYPHON
Change lobsters again!
MOCK TURTLE
Back to land again, and--that's all the first figure.
ALICE
It must be a very pretty dance.
MOCK TURTLE
Would you like to see a little of it?
ALICE
Very much indeed.
MOCK TURTLE
Come, let's try the first figure. We can do it without lobsters, you know; which shall sing?
GRYPHON
Oh, you sing, I've forgotten the words.
[Creatures solemnly dance round and round ALICE, treading on her toes, waving fore-paws to mark time while MOCK TURTLE sings.]
First Verse
"Will you walk a little faster!" said a whiting to a snail, "There's a porpoise close behind us, and he's treading on my tail. See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance! They are waiting on the shingle--will you come and join the dance? Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you join the dance? Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the dance?
Second Verse
"You can really have no notion how delightful it will be When they take us up and throw us, with the lobsters, out to sea!" But the snail replied, "Too far, too far!" and gave a look askance-- Said he thanked the whiting kindly, but he would not join the dance. Would not, could not, would not, could not, would not join the dance. Would not, could not, would not, could not, could not join the dance.
[The creatures dance against ALICE, pushing her back and forth between them. She protests and finally escapes; they bump against each other.]
ALICE
Thank you; it's a very interesting dance to watch, and I do so like that curious song about the whiting.
MOCK TURTLE
Oh, as to the whiting, they--you've seen them, of course?
ALICE
Yes, I've often seen them at din--
[Checks herself hastily.]
MOCK TURTLE
I don't know where Din may be, but if you've seen them so often, of course you know what they're like.
ALICE
I believe so, they have their tails in their mouths--and they're all over crumbs.
MOCK TURTLE
You're wrong about the crumbs, crumbs would all wash off in the sea. But they have their tails in their mouths; and the reason is--
[MOCK TURTLE yawns and shuts his eyes.]
Tell her about the reason and all that.
GRYPHON
The reason is, that they would go with the lobsters to the dance. So they got thrown out to sea. So they had to fall a long way. So they got their tails fast in their mouths. So they couldn't get them out again. That's all.
ALICE
Thank you, it's very interesting. I never knew so much about a whiting before.
GRYPHON
I can tell you more than that, if you like. Do you know why it's called a whiting?
ALICE
I never thought about it. Why?
GRYPHON
It does the boots and shoes.
ALICE
Does the boots and shoes!
GRYPHON
Why, what are your shoes done with? I mean, what makes them so shiny?
ALICE
They're done with blacking, I believe.
GRYPHON
Boots and shoes under the sea, are done with whiting. Now you know.
ALICE
And what are they made of?
GRYPHON
Soles and eels, of course; any shrimp could have told you that.
ALICE
If I'd been the whiting, I'd have said to the porpoise, "Keep back, please; we don't want you with us."
MOCK TURTLE
They were obliged to have him with them, no wise fish would go anywhere without a porpoise.
ALICE
Wouldn't it really?
MOCK TURTLE
Of course not; why if a fish came to me and told me he was going a journey, I should say, "With what porpoise?"
ALICE
Don't you mean purpose?
MOCK TURTLE
I mean what I say.
GRYPHON
Shall we try another figure of the Lobster Quadrille? Or would you like the Mock Turtle to sing you a song?
ALICE
Oh, a song please, if the Mock Turtle would be so kind.
GRYPHON
Um! No accounting for tastes! Sing her "Turtle Soup," will you, old fellow?
MOCK TURTLE
[Sighs deeply and sometimes choked with sobs, sings.]
"Beautiful Soup, so rich and green,
Waiting in a hot tureen!
Who for such dainties would not stoop?
Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup!
Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup!
Beau--ootiful Soo--op,
Beau--ootiful Soo--oop,
Soo--oop of the e-e-evening,
Beautiful, beautiful Soup."
WHITE RABBIT
[Enters, stretching out a red and white checked sash with which he separates ALICE from the creatures.]
Check!
MOCK TURTLE
They won't let her stay in our square.
WHITE RABBIT
The Queen is coming this way.
GRYPHON
She'll chop our heads off. Come on, come on, let's fly!
[The MOCK TURTLE and GRYPHON grab ALICE and fly into the air.]
CURTAIN
[_The Curtain rises to reveal small silhouettes of the GRYPHON, MOCK TURTLE, and ALICE in an orange-colored moon far away in the sky. Down below the WHITE RABBIT is shouting to them, "You'll be safe in the March Hare's garden."_]
CURTAIN
ACT II
SCENE
_The March Hare's garden, showing part of the Duchess' house. On a small platform there is a tea table, set with many cups, continuing into wings to give impression of limitless length. THE MARCH HARE, HATTER, and DORMOUSE are crowded at one end. ALICE sits on the ground where she has been dropped from the sky. Finding herself not bruised she rises and approaches the table._
MARCH HARE and HATTER
No room! No room!
ALICE
There's plenty of room!
[She sits in a large armchair at one end of the table.]
I don't know who you are.
MARCH HARE
I am the March Hare, that's the Hatter, and this is the Dormouse. Have some wine?
ALICE
I don't see any wine.
MARCH HARE
There isn't any.
ALICE
Then it wasn't very civil of you to offer it.
MARCH HARE
It wasn't very civil of you to sit down without being invited.
ALICE
I didn't know it was your table; it's laid for a great many more than three.
HATTER
Your hair wants cutting.
ALICE
You should learn not to make personal remarks; it's very rude.
HATTER
Why is a raven like a writing-desk?
ALICE
Come, we shall have some fun now! I'm glad you've begun asking riddles--I believe I can guess that.
MARCH HARE
So you mean that you think you can find out the answer to it?
HATTER: Your hair wants cutting.
ALICE
Exactly so.
MARCH HARE
Then you should say what you mean.
ALICE
I do; at least--at least I mean what I say--that's the same thing, you know.
HATTER
Not the same thing a bit! Why, you might just as well say that "I see what I eat" is the same thing as, "I eat what I see!"
MARCH HARE
You might just as well say that "I like what I get," is the same thing as "I get what I like."
DORMOUSE
You might just as well say that "I breathe when I sleep" is the same thing as "I sleep when I breathe."
HATTER
It is the same thing with you.
[Takes out his watch, looks at it uneasily, shakes it, holds it to his ear.]
What day of the month is it?
ALICE
The fourth.
HATTER
Two days wrong. I told you butter wouldn't suit the works!
MARCH HARE
It was the best butter.
HATTER
Yes, but some crumbs must have got in as well; you shouldn't have put it in with the bread-knife--
MARCH HARE
[Takes the watch, looks at it gloomily, dips it into his cup of tea and looks at it again but doesn't know what else to say.]
It was the best butter, you know.
ALICE
What a funny watch! It tells the day of the month, and doesn't tell what o'clock it is.
HATTER
Why should it? Does your watch tell you what year it is?
ALICE
Of course not, but that's because it stays the same year for such a long time together.
HATTER
Which is just the case with mine.
ALICE
I don't quite understand you. What you said had no sort of meaning in it and yet it was certainly English.
HATTER
[Pouring some hot tea on the DORMOUSE'S nose.]
The Dormouse is asleep again.
DORMOUSE
Of course, of course, just what I was going to remark myself.
HATTER
Have you guessed the riddle yet?
ALICE
No, I give it up, what's the answer?
HATTER
I haven't the slightest idea.
MARCH HARE
Nor I.
ALICE
I think you might do something better with the time, than wasting it in asking riddles that have no answers.
HATTER
If you knew Time as well as I do, you wouldn't talk about wasting it. It's him.
ALICE
I don't know what you mean.
HATTER
Of course you don't. I dare say you never even spoke to Time.
ALICE
Perhaps not, but I know I have to beat time when I learn music.
HATTER
Ah, that accounts for it. He won't stand beating. Now, if you only kept on good terms with him, he'd do almost anything you liked with the clock. For instance, suppose it were nine o'clock in the morning, just time to begin lessons. You'd only have to whisper a hint to Time, and round goes the clock in a twinkling! Half past one, time for dinner.
MARCH HARE
I only wish it was.
ALICE
That would be grand, certainly, but then--I shouldn't be hungry for it, you know.
HATTER
Not at first, perhaps, but you could keep it to half past one as long as you liked.
ALICE
Is that the way you manage?
HATTER
Not I, we quarreled last March--just before he went mad, you know. It was at the great concert given by the Queen of Hearts and I had to sing.
"Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!"
You know the song, perhaps.
ALICE
I've heard something like it.
DORMOUSE
Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle--
HATTER
Well, I'd hardly finished the first verse when the Queen bawled out, "He's murdering the time! Off with his head!"
ALICE
How dreadfully savage!
HATTER
And ever since that, he won't do a thing I ask! It's always six o'clock now.
ALICE
Is that the reason so many tea things are put out here?
HATTER
Yes, that's it; it's always tea time, and we've no time to wash the things between whiles.
ALICE
Then you keep moving round, I suppose?
HATTER
Exactly so, as the things get used up.
ALICE
But when you come to the beginning again?
MARCH HARE
Suppose we change the subject. I vote the young lady tells us a story.
ALICE
I'm afraid I don't know one.
MARCH HARE and HATTER
Then the Dormouse shall. Wake up Dormouse.
[They pinch him on both sides at once.]
DORMOUSE
[Opens his eyes slowly and says in a hoarse, feeble voice.]
I wasn't asleep, I heard every word you fellows were saying.
MARCH HARE
Tell us a story.
ALICE
Yes, please do!
HATTER
And be quick about it, or you'll be asleep again before it's done.
DORMOUSE
Once upon a time there were three little sisters, and their names were Elsie, Lacie, and Tillie and they lived at the bottom of a well--
ALICE
What did they live on?
DORMOUSE
They lived on treacle.
ALICE
They couldn't have done that, you know, they'd have been ill.
DORMOUSE
So they were, very ill.
ALICE
But why did they live at the bottom of a well?
MARCH HARE
Take some more tea.
ALICE
I've had nothing yet, so I can't take more.
HATTER
You mean, you can't take less; it's very easy to take more than nothing.
ALICE
Nobody asked your opinion.
HATTER
Who's making personal remarks now?
ALICE
[Helps herself to tea and bread and butter.]
Why did they live at the bottom of a well?
DORMOUSE
[Takes a minute or two to think.]
It was a treacle-well.
ALICE
There's no such thing!
HATTER and MARCH HARE
Sh! Sh!
DORMOUSE
If you can't be civil, you'd better finish the story for yourself.
ALICE
[Very humbly.]
No, please go on. I won't interrupt you again. I dare say there may be one.
DORMOUSE
One, indeed! And so these three little sisters--they were learning to draw, you know--
ALICE
What did they draw?
DORMOUSE
Treacle.
HATTER
I want a clean cup. Let's all move one place on.
[HATTER moves on, DORMOUSE takes his place, MARCH HARE takes DORMOUSE'S place and ALICE unwillingly takes MARCH HARE'S place.]
ALICE
I'm worse off than I was before. You've upset the milk jug into your plate.
MARCH HARE
It wasn't very civil of you to sit down without being invited.
ALICE
Where did they draw the treacle from?
HATTER
You can draw water out of a water well, so I should think you could draw treacle out of a treacle well--eh, stupid?
ALICE
But they were in the well.
DORMOUSE
Of course they were--well in. They were learning to draw, and they drew all manner of things--everything that begins with an M--
ALICE
Why with an M?
MARCH HARE
Why not?
[ALICE is silent and confused. HATTER pinches DORMOUSE to wake him up.]
DORMOUSE
[Wakes with a little shriek and continues.]
--that begins with an M, such as mousetraps and the moon and memory and muchness--you know you say things are "much of a muchness"--did you ever see such a thing as a drawing of a muchness?
HATTER
Did you?
ALICE
Really now you ask me, I don't think--
HATTER
Then you shouldn't talk.
MARCH HARE
No!
ALICE
[Rises and walks away.]
You are very rude. It's the stupidest tea party I ever was at in all my life--
[WHITE RABBIT enters carrying a huge envelope with a seal and crown on it.]
MARCH HARE and HATTER
No room! no room!
[Rabbit pays no attention to them but goes to the house and raps loudly. A footman in livery with a round face and large eyes like a frog and powdered hair opens the door.]
WHITE RABBIT
For the Duchess. An invitation from the Queen to play croquet.
FROG
From the Queen. An invitation for the Duchess to play croquet.
[WHITE RABBIT bows and goes out.]
MARCH HARE and HATTER
[To WHITE RABBIT.]
No room! No room! No room!
[The FROG disappears into the house but leaves the door open. There is a terrible din and many sauce pans fly out.]
MARCH HARE
She's at it again.
HATTER
It's perfectly disgusting.
MARCH HARE
Let's move on.
[_The platform moves off with table, chairs, MARCH HARE, HATTER, and DORMOUSE. Meanwhile the FROG has come out again and is sitting near the closed door, staring stupidly at the sky. ALICE goes to the door timidly and knocks._]
FROG
There's no sort of use in knocking, and that for two reasons: first, because I'm on the same side of the door as you are; secondly, because they're making such a noise inside, no one could possibly hear you.
ALICE
Please then, how am I to get in?
FROG
There might be some sense in your knocking if we had the door between us. For instance, if you were inside, you might knock, and I could let you out, you know.
ALICE
How am I to get in?
FROG
I shall sit here, till tomorrow.
[The door opens and a large plate skims out straight at the FROG'S head; it grazes his nose and breaks into pieces.]
[FROG acts as if nothing had happened.]
Or next day, maybe.
ALICE
How am I to get in?
FROG
Are you to get in at all? That's the first question, you know.
ALICE
It's really dreadful the way all you creatures argue. It's enough to drive one crazy.
FROG
I shall sit here, on and off, for days and days.
ALICE
But what am I to do?
FROG
Anything you like.
[He begins to whistle.]
ALICE
Where's the servant whose business it is to answer the door?
FROG
Which door?
ALICE
This door, of course!
FROG: I shall sit here till tomorrow.
[The FROG looks at the door, and rubs his thumb on it to see if the paint will come off.]
FROG
To answer the door? What's it been asking for?
ALICE
I don't know what you mean.
FROG
I speaks English, doesn't I? Or are you deaf? What did it ask you?
ALICE
Nothing! I've been knocking at it.
FROG
Shouldn't do that--shouldn't do that, vexes it, you know.
[He kicks the door.]
You let it alone, and it'll let you alone, you know.
ALICE
Oh, there's no use talking to you--
[She starts to open the door just as the DUCHESS comes out carrying a pig in baby's clothes. She sneezes--FROG sneezes and ALICE sneezes.]
DUCHESS
If everybody minded her own business--
[She sneezes.]
ALICE
It's pepper.
DUCHESS
Of course, my cook puts it in the soup.
ALICE
There's certainly too much pepper in the soup.
DUCHESS
Sneeze then and get rid of it!
[DUCHESS begins to sing to the baby, giving it a violent shake at the end of every line of the lullaby.]
"Speak roughly to your little boy,
And beat him when he sneezes;
[FROG and ALICE sneeze.]
He only does it to annoy,
Because he knows it teases.
[DUCHESS sneezes, FROG sneezes, ALICE sneezes.]
I speak severely to my boy,
I beat him when he sneezes;
[FROG sneezes, ALICE sneezes.]
For he can thoroughly enjoy
The pepper when he pleases!"
[DUCHESS sneezes, FROG sneezes, ALICE sneezes, DUCHESS gasps and gives a tremendous sneeze.]
ALICE
Oh dear!
[She jumps aside as kettles and pots come flying out of the door. The DUCHESS pays no attention.]
What a cook to have!
[She calls inside.]
Oh! please mind what you're doing!
[Another pan comes out and almost hits the baby.]
Oh! there goes his precious nose!
DUCHESS
If everybody minded her own business, the world would go round a deal faster than it does.
ALICE
Which would not be an advantage. Just think what work it would make with the day and night! You see the earth takes twenty-four hours to turn round on its axis--
DUCHESS
Talking of axes, chop off her head!
[The head of a grinning Cheshire cat appears in a tree above a wall.]
ALICE
Oh, what's that?
DUCHESS
Cat, of course.
ALICE
Why does it grin like that?
DUCHESS
It's a Cheshire cat! and that's why. [To baby.] Pig!
DUCHESS: I speak severely to my boy, I beat him when he sneezes.
ALICE
I didn't know that Cheshire cats always grinned; in fact, I didn't know that cats could grin.
DUCHESS
They all can and most of 'em do.
ALICE
I don't know of any that do.
DUCHESS
You don't know much and that's a fact. Here, you may nurse it a bit, if you like!
[Flings the baby at ALICE.]
I must go and get ready to play croquet with the Queen.
[She goes into the house.]
ALICE
If I don't take this child away with me, they're sure to kill it in a day or two. Cheshire Puss, would you tell me please, which way I ought to walk from here?
CAT
That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.
ALICE
I don't much care where--
CAT
Then it doesn't matter which way you walk.
ALICE
So long as I get somewhere.
CAT
Oh, you're sure to do that, if you only walk long enough.
ALICE
Please, will you tell me what sort of people live about here?
CAT
All mad people.
ALICE
But I don't want to go among mad people.
CAT
Oh, you can't help that; we're all mad here. I'm mad. He's mad. He's dreaming now, and what do you think he's dreaming about?
ALICE
[Goes to the FROG to scrutinize his face.]
Nobody could guess that.
CAT
Why, about you! And if he left off dreaming about you, where do you suppose you'd be?
ALICE
Where I am now, of course.
CAT
Not you. You'd be nowhere. Why, you're only a sort of thing in his dream; and you're mad too.
ALICE
How do you know I'm mad?
CAT
You must be, or you wouldn't have come here.
ALICE
How do you know that you're mad?
CAT
To begin with, a dog's not mad. You grant that?
ALICE
I suppose so.
CAT
Well then, you see a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased. Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.
ALICE
I call it purring, not growling.
CAT
Call it what you like. Do you play croquet with the Queen today?
ALICE
I should like it very much, but I haven't been invited yet.
CAT
You'll see me there.
[Vanishes.]
ALICE
[To squirming baby.]
Oh, dear, it's heavy and so ugly. Don't grunt--Oh--Oh--it's a--pig. Please Mr. Footman take it!
FROG
[Rises with dignity, whistles and disappears into the house; a kettle comes bounding out. ALICE puts pig down and it crawls off.]
CAT
[Appearing again.]
By-the-bye, what became of the baby?
ALICE
It turned into a pig.
CAT
I thought it would.
[Vanishes.]
[FROG comes out of the house with hedgehogs and flamingoes.]
CAT
[Reappearing.]
Did you say pig, or fig?
ALICE
I said pig; and I wish you wouldn't keep appearing and vanishing so suddenly; you make one quite giddy.
CAT
All right. [It vanishes slowly.]
[_FROG puts flamingoes down and reenters house. While ALICE is examining the flamingoes curiously, TWEEDLEDUM and TWEEDLEDEE, each with an arm round the other's neck, sidestep in and stand looking at ALICE._]
ALICE
[Turns, sees them, starts in surprise and involuntarily whispers.]
Tweedle--dee.
DUM
Dum!
DEE
If you think we're waxworks, you ought to pay.
DUM
Contrariwise, if you think we're alive, you ought to speak.
DEE
The first thing in a visit is to say "How d'ye do?" and shake hands!
[_The brothers give each other a hug, then hold out the two hands that are free, to shake hands with her. ALICE does not like shaking hands with either of them first, for fear of hurting the other one's feelings; she takes hold of both hands at once and they all dance round in a ring, quite naturally to music, "Here we go round the mulberry bush."_]
ALICE
Would you tell me which road leads out of--
DEE
What shall I repeat to her?
DUM
The "Walrus and the Carpenter" is the longest.
[Gives his brother an affectionate hug.]
DEE
The sun was shining--
ALICE
If it's very long, would you please tell me first which road--
DEE
The moon was shining sulkily.
DUM
The sea was wet as wet could be--
DEE
O Oysters, come and walk with us
The Walrus did beseech--
DUM
[Looks at DEE.]
A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
Along the briny beach--
DEE
[Looks at DUM.]
The eldest Oyster winked his eye
And shook his heavy head--
DUM
[Looks at DEE.]
Meaning to say he did not choose
To leave the oyster bed.
DEE
But four young Oysters hurried up
And yet another four--
DUM
And thick and fast they came at last,
And more, and more, and more--
DEE
The Walrus and the Carpenter
Walked on a mile or so,
DUM
And then they rested on a rock
Conveniently low,
DEE
And all the little Oysters stood
And waited in a row.
DUM
"A loaf of bread," the Walrus said,
"Is what we chiefly need.
DEE
Now if you're ready, Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed."
DUM
"But not on us!" the Oysters cried,
Turning a little blue.
DEE
"The night is fine," the Walrus said,
"Do you admire the view?"
DUM
The Carpenter said nothing but
"Cut us another slice.
I wish you were not quite so deaf--
I've had to ask you twice!"
DEE
"It seems a shame," the Walrus said,
"To play them such a trick,
After we've brought them out so far,
And made them trot so quick!"
DUM
"O, Oysters," said the Carpenter,
"You've had a pleasant run!
DEE
Shall we be trotting home again?"
DUM
But answer came there none--
DEE
And this was scarcely odd, because
DUM
They'd eaten every--
DEE
[Interrupts in a passion, pointing to a white rattle on the ground.]
Do you see that?
ALICE
It's only a rattle--
DUM
[Stamps wildly and tears his hair.]
I knew it was! It's spoilt of course. My nice new rattle!
[To DEE.]
You agree to have a battle?
[He collects sauce pans and pots.]
DEE
[Picks up a sauce pan.]
I suppose so. Let's fight till dinner.
[They go out hand in hand.]
ALICE
[Hears music.]
I wonder what is going to happen next.
[_She backs down stage respectfully as the KING and QUEEN OF HEARTS enter, followed by the KNAVE OF HEARTS carrying the KING'S crown on a crimson velvet cushion, and the WHITE RABBIT and others. When they come opposite to ALICE they stop and look at her._]
[The DUCHESS comes out of her house.]
QUEEN
[To the KNAVE.]
Who is this?
KNAVE
[Bows three times, smiles and giggles.]
QUEEN
Idiot! What's your name, child?
ALICE
My name is Alice, so please your Majesty.
QUEEN
Off with her head! Off--
ALICE
Nonsense!
KING
Consider, my dear, she is only a child.
QUEEN
Can you play croquet?
ALICE
Yes.
QUEEN
Come on then. Get to your places. Where are the mallets?
DUCHESS
Here.
[The FROG appears with the flamingoes and hedgehogs.]
QUEEN
Off with his head!
[No one pays any attention.]
KNAVE
What fun!
ALICE
What is the fun?
KNAVE
Why she; it's all her fancy, that. They never execute anyone.
ALICE
What does one do?
QUEEN
Get to your places!
[_She takes a flamingo, uses its neck as a mallet and a hedgehog as a ball. The FROG doubles himself into an arch. The KING does the same with the followers and the KNAVE offers himself as an arch for ALICE. Even though ALICE does not notice him he holds the arch position. The QUEEN shouts at intervals, "Off with his head, off with her head."_]
ALICE
Where are the Chess Queens?
RABBIT
Under sentence of execution.
ALICE
What for?
RABBIT
Did you say, "what a pity"?
ALICE
No, I didn't. I don't think it's at all a pity. I said, "What for?"
RABBIT
They boxed the Queen's ears.
[ALICE gives a little scream of laughter.]
RABBIT
Oh, hush! The Queen will hear you! You see they came rather late and the Queen said--Oh dear, the Queen hears me--
[He hurries away.]
ALICE
[Noticing the KNAVE who still pretends to be an arch.]
How can you go on thinking so quietly, with your head downwards?
KNAVE
What does it matter where my body happens to be? My mind goes on working just the same. The fact of it is, the more head downwards I am, the more I keep on inventing new things.
KING
Did you happen to meet any soldiers, my dear, as you came through the wood?
ALICE
Yes, I did; several thousand I should think.
KING
Four thousand, two hundred and seven, that's the exact number. They couldn't send all the horses, you know, because two of them are wanted in the game. And I haven't sent the two messengers, either.
ALICE
What's the war about?
KING
The red Chess King has the whole army against us but he can't kill a man who has thirteen hearts.
[The DUCHESS, QUEEN, FROG, and followers go out. The KNAVE and the FIVE-SPOT, SEVEN-SPOT, and NINE-SPOT OF HEARTS stand behind the KING.]
KING: I only wish I had such eyes; to be able to see Nobody!
KING
Just look along the road and tell me if you can see either of my messengers.
ALICE
I see nobody on the road.
KING
I only wish I had such eyes; to be able to see Nobody! And at that distance too! Why, it's as much as I can do to see real people, by this light.
ALICE
I see somebody now! But he's coming very slowly--and what curious attitudes he goes into--skipping up and down, and wriggling like an eel.
KING
Not at all, those are Anglo-Saxon attitudes. He only does them when he's happy. I must have two messengers, you know--to come and go. One to come and one to go.
ALICE
I beg your pardon?
KING
It isn't respectable to beg.
ALICE
I only meant that I didn't understand. Why one to come and one to go?
KING
Don't I tell you? I must have two--to fetch and carry. One to fetch, and one to carry.
MARCH HARE
[Enters, pants for breath--waves his hands about and makes fearful faces at the KING.]
KING
You alarm me! I feel faint--give me a ham sandwich. Another sandwich!
MARCH HARE
There's nothing but hay left now.
KING
Hay, then. There's nothing like eating hay when you're faint.
ALICE
I should think throwing cold water over you would be better.
KING
I didn't say there was nothing better; I said there was nothing like it.
KING
Who did you pass on the road?
MARCH HARE
Nobody.
KING
Quite right; this young lady saw him too. So of course Nobody walks slower than you.
MARCH HARE
I do my best; I'm sure nobody walks much faster than I do.
KING
He can't do that; or else he'd have been here first. However, now you've got your breath, you may tell us what's happened in the town.
MARCH HARE
I'll whisper it.
[Much to ALICE'S surprise, he shouts into the KING'S ear.]
They're at it again!
KING
Do you call that a whisper? If you do such a thing again, I'll have you buttered. It went through and through my head like an earthquake. Give me details, quick!
[The KING and MARCH HARE go out, followed by FIVE, SEVEN, and NINE SPOTS.]
DUCHESS
[Runs in and tucks her arm affectionately into ALICE'S.]
You can't think how glad I am to see you again, you dear old thing!
ALICE
Oh!
DUCHESS
You're thinking about something, my dear, and that makes you forget to talk. I can't tell you just now what the moral of that is, but I shall remember it in a bit.
ALICE
Perhaps it hasn't one.
DUCHESS
Tut, tut, child! Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it.
[Squeezes closely, digs her chin into ALICE'S shoulder, and roughly drags ALICE along for a walk.]
ALICE
The game's going on rather better now.
DUCHESS
'Tis so, and the moral of that is--"Oh, 'tis love, 'tis love, that makes the world go round!"
ALICE
Somebody said, that it's done by everybody minding their own business.
DUCHESS
Ah, well! It means much the same thing, and the moral of that is--"Take care of the sense, and the sounds will take care of themselves."
ALICE
How fond you are of finding morals in things.
DUCHESS
I daresay you're wondering why I don't put my arm round your waist. The reason is, that I'm doubtful about the temper of your flamingo. Shall I try the experiment?
ALICE
He might bite.
DUCHESS
Very true; flamingoes and mustard both bite. And the moral of that is--"Birds of a feather flock together."
ALICE
Only mustard isn't a bird.
DUCHESS
Right, as usual; what a clear way you have of putting things.
ALICE
It's a mineral, I think.
DUCHESS
Of course it is; there's a large mustard mine near here. And the moral of that is--"The more there is of mine, the less there is of yours."
ALICE
Oh! I know, it's a vegetable. It doesn't look like one, but it is.
DUCHESS
I quite agree with you, and the moral of that is--"Be what you would seem to be;" or, if you'd like it put more simply, "Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise."
ALICE
I think I should understand that better if I had it written down, but I can't quite follow it as you say it.
DUCHESS
That's nothing to what I could say if I chose.
ALICE
Pray don't trouble yourself to say it any longer than that.
DUCHESS
Oh, don't talk about trouble; I make you a present of everything I've said as yet.
ALICE
Uhm!
DUCHESS
Thinking again?
ALICE
I've got a right to think.
DUCHESS
Just about as much right as pigs have to fly, and the moral--
[The arm of the DUCHESS begins to tremble and her voice dies down. The QUEEN OF HEARTS stands before them with folded arms and frowning like a thunderstorm.]
DUCHESS
A fine day, your Majesty.
QUEEN
Now, I give you fair warning, either you or your head must be off, and that in about half no time. Take your choice!
[The DUCHESS goes meekly into the house.]
QUEEN
Let's go on with the game.
[She goes off and shouts at intervals, "Off with his head; off with her head."]
CAT
How are you getting on?